


five types of drunk people

by goodbye_yellowbrickroad



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Boys Kissing Boys, F/F, Girls Kissing Girls, Little bit of Fluff, Little bit of angst, M/M, Making Out In Public, Underage Drinking, little bit of dirty talk, little bit of dry humping, zoe just keeps stripping because she can
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-21 06:25:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12451467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodbye_yellowbrickroad/pseuds/goodbye_yellowbrickroad
Summary: See, there are five types of drunk people. Well, actually, there are countless types of people and, therefore, there are countless types of drunk people. But for the sake of our story, we’re going to go with the Five Types of Drunk People Theory.





	five types of drunk people

**Author's Note:**

> so on october 4th i went to nyc and saw deh twice (i saw the matinee with michael lee brown, then i saw the night show with ben platt). ever since, i've been trying to write SOMETHING tree bros but i keep losing inspiration every time i come up with a new plot. FINALLY got this one done because i got my wisdom teeth out this week and i've been bored out of my mind and in pain, so i figured what better to do than write some cute shit. 
> 
> it's 3 in the morning so it's proofread but loosely so, so lemme know if i have any major fuck ups. also comments/feedback would be amazing as this is my first deh fanfic :))))))))
> 
> thanks guys enjoy

The Five Types of Drunk People Theory by Jared Kleinman (probably)

 

See, there are five types of drunk people. Well, actually, there are countless types of people and, therefore, there are countless types of drunk people. But for the sake of our story, we’re going to go with the Five Types of Drunk People Theory, something that spread about high school like wildfire and was more likely than not thought up by Jared Kleinman.

 

Type 1: The Party Drunk

 

Zoe Murphy was on top of a table with a red Solo cup in her hand, its contents sloshing about, spilling over the rim and dribbling down her arm as she waved her arms in the air and sang to Beyonce at the top of her lungs. She was clad in a bra and shorts. 

 

“Zoe!” Her brother exclaimed when he entered the kitchen. “God, put ‘em away!”

 

“What?!” Zoe shouted to her brother over the music. “I couldn’t hear you!”

 

“Put a fucking shirt on!” Connor huffed. He grabbed his sister by the arm and dragged her down from atop the dining table. 

 

“No!” Zoe said. She slammed her Solo cup down on the table and stuck her hands on her hips. “It’s a free country! I’ll do what I want!”

 

Connor rolled his eyes and turned away from her, heading back toward the living room. “You’re so weird,” he told her over his shoulder. 

 

“Oh, come on, man!” Zoe shouted as she threw her arms around a random boy that she didn’t know. “Lighten up! It’s the end of senior year! We’re nearly free from the prison sentence that is high school!”

 

Connor turned around, shot her an odd look, and said, “You’re a  _ junior! _ ”

 

“Whatever!” Zoe said, waving this off as if it was too trivial a fact for her to be considering right now. She climbed back on top of the table and sang out, “SENIOR YEAR, BABY!” for which she was met with a chorus of, “ _ Yeeeeeah! _ ”

 

Type 2:  The Sad Drunk

 

No one would think just by looking at her, or even talking to her, that Alana “my summer was productive, I did four internships and ninety hours of community service” Beck could hold her liquor. But  _ damn  _ could Alana hold her liquor. 

 

Her parents really trusted her which came in handy because they left her alone with the house while they went on a three-week mission trip to Ghana and she got to throw a kegger. It wasn’t the first time she did this. People knew the rules: anyone can come, but the liquor cabinet was off limits so alcohol had to be provided by anyone who could get their hands on some. 

 

So, as was previously mentioned, Alana could hold her liquor. But once she hit her limit, she was drunk and I mean  _ drunk  _ —  _ done  _ —  _ finished.  _

 

Zoe was in search of more alcohol in the living as she and the football team had drained everything that was in the kitchen. But when she entered the living room, she found something and that something was not alcohol. That something was, in fact, Alana sitting in the corner with her knees hugged close to her chest while she sobbed violently. 

 

“ _ Alana, _ ” Zoe said with a frown and she knelt down beside her. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

 

“I just don’t want everyone to leave!” Alana sobbed into Zoe’s shoulder.    
  


“You don’t want everyone to leave… your house?” Zoe raised her eyebrows, puzzled. 

 

“No!” Alana cried. “I don’t want everyone to go off to  _ college!  _ We’ve been together for four years! I have this — this  _ wonderful family  _ of all my acquaintances and now it’s all going to be split apart, torn to shreds, and none of us are ever going to see each other ever again!”

 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Zoe soothed, wrapping an arm around Alana’s shoulders. “We’re all gonna stay in touch, it’ll be okay.”

 

Alana wiped her eyes, her breathing was shaky, and she took a moment to look Zoe up and down before she burst into tears once more and cried out, “ _ Why aren’t you wearing a shirt? _ ”

 

Type 3: The “Everything Is Hilarious” Drunk

 

It goes without saying that Connor was not a particularly “happy” person. With Evan, he was sweet and laughing and responsive, sure, but with everyone else? Not so much. 

 

When Connor got really, truly drunk he would laugh at anything and everything. Earlier in the evening he’d been yelling at his sister to put a shirt on, but after his fourth beer of the night, he found her dancing on a table again — the coffee table this table — now in just her bra and panties and he cheered and yelled, “GET IT, GIRL!”; after a fifth, he stumbled into Alana’s backyard with a grin on his face. 

 

“Hey yo, Murphy!” Someone called from across the yard. 

 

Connor looked over to see Jared lounging in a lawn chair, face illuminated by the bonfire. 

 

“Hey yo, Kleinman!” Connor shouted back and snorted at himself as he jogged across the grass to flop into the lawn chair beside Jared. 

 

“Want another beer?” Jared asked and held a bottle out. 

 

“Oh, I really shouldn’t,” Connor laughed. He took the bottle and took a long sip, swallowed hard, then started to laugh again. “I’m such a mess — wow!”   
  


Jared chuckled. “You’re a fun drink.”

 

“Thanks,” Connor said and sipped his beer again. 

 

“You know, I always pictured you as, like, a really angry drunk,” Jared confessed, watching Connor laughing to himself and drinking beer. “I thought maybe you’d come here, have some booze, then throw poor Alana’s printer at someone. Probably at me.”

 

“Huh,” Connor said. “A printer joke.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“ _ Another  _ printer joke,” Connor deadpanned. 

 

“Yep.”

 

Connor stared at Jared and Jared thought that made he’d fucked up and made the guy angry, but then Connor burst into a hysterical fit of laughter. 

 

Jared grinned. “Man, you’re cool when you’re drunk.”

 

Type 4: The Horny Drunk 

 

For Evan Hansen, getting drunk was something he’d never done before. He insisted that he’d gotten drunk at a party that Zoe threw while Larry and Cynthia were vacationing in the Azores in the Spring. 

 

“You were  _ tipsy, _ ” Connor had told him about a hundred times. “You were not  _ drunk.  _ There’s a difference.”

 

But it was his final high school party (also his second, it was his  _ second  _ high school party). His next party would be Jared’s that was being thrown after graduation, so once he got to that one he would no longer be a high school student. And so he had decided upon arrival that he was going to get drunk at Alana’s party, but what he actually did was get fucking wasted. 

 

“Connor!” Evan sang, wandering around the house looking for his boyfriend. 

 

“Backyard!” Zoe directed him then went back to making out with Alana on the living room floor. 

 

“Thanks,” Evan said and he slipped out the sliding glass door. He scanned the yard, eyes squinted until he spotted Connor sitting with Jared by the fire and laughing. 

 

“Hey,” Evan said and sat down at the foot of Connor’s lawn chair. 

 

“Hey, there!” Connor grinned and reached out to grab onto Evan. He pulled his boyfriend toward him so that Evan was sitting sideways in his lap. 

 

“Lovebirds,” Jared said with an odd mixture of endearment and disgust lingering in his voice. “You are, quite honestly, my OTP.”

 

“Good,” Connor and Evan said together. 

 

“I need another drink,” Jared said and without bothering to ask if they actually wanted alcohol he told them, “I’ll bring beers back for you boys, as well.”

 

Connor pecked Evan’s cheek which could have been weird since he wasn’t prone to public displays of affection, but he was so drunk and so was Evan and so was literally every person around them who might have seen the small kiss. 

 

“How’s your night so far?” Connor asked.

 

“It’s been fun,” Evan said, nodding, then he maneuvered himself so that he could swing one leg over Connor. He pressed himself down to straddle his boyfriend. “Better now that I’ve found you.”

 

“Whoa,” Connor giggled. 

 

“You’re so hot, oh my god,” Evan said, running his hands along Connor’s chest. “I can’t fucking stand it.”

 

Connor snorted. 

  
  
“What?”

 

“You swore,” Connor laughed. “You don’t do that.”

 

“Oh.” 

 

Type 5: The Just Drunk

 

Jared Kleinman was drunk. Just plain drunk — nothing more, nothing less. What you see is what you get and all that. Some people said that he was The Mean Drunk, but he wasn’t. That was just his personality. He wasn’t The Mean Drunk, he was just mean, and also drunk. There’s a difference.

 

For instance, on his way to the beer cooler inside, he spotted Zoe on the floor in her underwear making out with a fully dressed Alana. 

 

Jared whistled. “Look at Little Murphy, batting for the other team!” 

 

And yeah, that was mean. And yeah, he was drunk. But the two things had nothing to do with one another. That was absolutely the same thing Jared would have said to Zoe in the same situation if he’d been sober.

 

Zoe broke the kiss, stared Jared right in the eyes, flipped him off, then returned to kissing Alana.

 

Soon Jared was returning to the backyard, three bottles of ice cold beer in hand, and he watched from afar as Evan pulled Connor into a deep kiss, hands weaving themselves through long hair and tugging to hold Connor’s had at the perfect angle. Jared spotted it when Evan rolled his hips slowly and Connor moaned into his mouth. 

 

“My man,” Jared whispered to himself. “You get it.”

  
“Jesus, Ev,” Connor said and he probably meant to say it seriously, in some sultry seductive way or whatever, but it all came out in between giggles again.

 

Evan hummed. He peppered kisses down Connor’s chin, chose a spot of pale skin on his neck, and attached his lips there. 

 

Connor groaned and almost laughed again but then Evan bit into his skin and a sharp whine escaped his lips instead. 

 

There were a few people hanging about the backyard that weren’t quite drunk enough to completely ignore the two boys dry humping by the fire pit, but apparently, Evan and Connor only had eyes for each other and they didn’t notice at all.

 

Evan let go of Connor’s neck and leaned his forehead against his boyfriend’s forehead. They were both flushed and sweating. Jared made a mental note to tell Evan in the morning that he didn’t bother lowering his voice at all when he said to Connor, “I wanna fuck you.” 

 

And okay, Jared was thinking, that was really sexy and romantic — was it romantic? Jared wasn’t super clear on the whole romance thing — and the two of them could have shared a real moment there if it weren’t for Jared cackling obnoxiously. 

  
He scared Evan enough that Evan screeched and fell off of the lounge chair and onto the grass. Connor just started laughing again. 

 

“Wha-what — Jared! What was that for?!” Evan exclaimed, exasperated. 

 

“Evan,” Jared laughed, “you  _ can’t top! _ ” 

 

Connor roared with laughter and Evan scowled. 

 

“I can, too!” Evan yelled. 

 

“You absolutely cannot!” Jared said.    
  
“I can!” Evan argued. 

 

“He’s right!” Connor laughed, wiping tears from his eyes. “Oh my god!”

 

“Connor! You can’t seriously be agreeing with him!” Evan screeched. 

 

“Why not?” Connor sighed. 

 

“I’m your  _ boyfriend, _ ” Evan said. 

 

“Doesn’t mean I have to agree with you all the time,” Connor said with a shrug. “Sometimes I can disagree with you, y’know? And right now is one of those times that I just can’t side with you…” He laughed again. “Because Jared is  _ so  _ right, Evan, you could  _ never  _ —”

 

Evan’s face turned bright red. He leaped to his feet and make a beeline for the house. 

 

“Oh, shit,” Connor huffed out. He jumped up off the lounge chair, strode past Jared, and chased after Evan. He ran in through the sliding glass door, looked around the living room, but to no avail. 

 

“Bathroom,” Zoe said. 

 

Connor looked down to the floor to find his sister sitting there in her underwear, bra straps falling off her shoulders, and making out with Alana whose shirt was now on the ground beside them.    
  
“Cool, thanks,” Connor said and headed for the hallway. “Ev?” He said as he banged on the bathroom door. 

 

“Go away.”

 

“It’s me.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Let me in.”

 

“No.”

 

“Please, we should talk about this.”

 

Evan opened the door just a little bit and peeked through the small opening. “I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I said.” He made to close the door in Connor’s face but Connor stuck his foot in between the door and the frame. 

 

Connor opened the door and walked inside, closed it behind himself and locked it. “Okay, let's talk.”

 

“You’re insufferable,” Evan huffed. He stepped over the ledge of the bathtub and sat down, knees hugged to his chest. 

 

Connor tilted his head curiously then did the same so that they were sitting opposite one another in the bathtub. “You’re not stammering,” Connor pointed out.

 

“I don’t usually when it’s just you and me,” Evan said. 

 

“Yeah, but when you’re upset —”

 

Evan shrugged. “Liquid courage?” 

 

“Evan, why are you upset?” Connor asked. 

 

“Never mind,” Evan said. He shook his head. 

 

“No, don’t ‘never mind’ me,” Connor said. “I know that move. I’m the queen of that move. Come on, talk to me. You know you can tell me anything.”

 

Evan sighed, then drew in a deep breath, then burst out, “IfeellikeI’mnotsexyenoughforyou.”

 

Connor blinked. “Come again?”

 

“ _ IfeellikeI’mnotsexyenoughforyou! _ ” Evan raised his voice. 

 

“Yeah, thanks, but the problem actually wasn’t that you were being too quiet,” Connor said. “What happened to liquid courage? I can’t understand you when you talk that fast.”

 

“You’re being mean. You know I can’t help it.”

 

“Sorry — shit — I’m sorry. I only want to help.”

 

“I thought you were getting good at understanding me when I can’t talk straight.”

 

“Yeah, well, I think that was the fastest one yet,” Connor chuckled. 

 

Evan sighed. “It’s stupid, anyway.”

 

“If it’s bothering you then it’s not stupid,” Connor said gently and he reached out to hold Evan’s hand. “Come on, tell me what’s on your mind.”

 

“I —” Evan paused, sighed again. “I feel like… I don’t know… It wasn’t the alcohol making me do that, it was the alcohol giving me the courage to do that. Because I wanted to do that — what I did out there, I mean. It was new and exciting and everyone was  _ right there.  _ It just — g-gave me such a rush. I’ve been feeling lately like — like I’m not sexy enough for you? Like I have sex but it’s so — it’s so — I mean it’s good it’s — it’s  _ sogoodforme  _ — but I, uh, it’s so — it’s really vanilla, is what I’m getting and I was just thinking tha-that if you — you might be g-getting bored with it all, y’know what I mean? I don’t want you to be — to be — because I really — I just want it to be good — for you, I mean because it’s so good for me already a-and —”

 

“Evan,” Connor gently interrupted. “Honey, you’re freaking out.”

  
“Y-yeah, I am.” Evan nodded. 

 

“Ev, listen to me,” Connor said and he squeezed Evan’s hand tightly. “I’m so not bored with anything about you. I never could be. It’s really good for me, too.”

 

“You promise?”   
  


“I promise.”

 

“You’re — you’re feeling — like, uh, in bed — you’re s-satisfied?” Evan raised his eyebrows. 

 

Connor smiled. “You’re unbelievably cute, do you know that?” He laughed. “Yes, I’m satisfied.”

 

“And in the backyard,” Evan said and broke eye contact, “when you and Jared said that I couldn’t — that I could never — that wasn’t be-because you’re disgusted or — or ashamed of m-me is —”   
  
“Evan, no,” Connor said quickly. “Come here.” He opened his arms wide and pulled Evan close to him, hugged him tightly. “Evan, you’re wonderful. I love you. I’m not ashamed or disgusted. You’re just — honey, you’re just  _ such a fucking bottom. _ ”

 

Evan laughed. “Yeah. I mean, I’m all for spicing things up in bed whether someone’s bored or not,” he said, “but I’ll be honest, I wasn’t entirely keen on topping.”

 

“Well, you know,” Connor said with a smirk. “We could still  _ spice things up in bed.  _ I’m not bored and you don’t need to top, but there’s still plenty we could do.”

 

Evan smiled. “I like the sound of that.”

 

“Good, we’ll have to talk about it some time, then,” Connor said. “And hey, Evan?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“Next time you’re feeling something like this — because I know you, and I know that there will be a next time — just come to me and talk to me, yeah? Please?” Connor said. “I’m here and I’m always going to be here and I’ll always reassure you.”

 

Evan sighed happily. “Thank you.”

 

Conclusion by Jared Kleinman (probably)

 

In conclusion, Jared’s drunk people theory made absolutely no sense. There were flaws in how people were labeled and Evan was only acting that way to spice things up. Maybe the fact that Jared only had labels that applied to him and his friends said something about him, like that he should really talk to a therapist because he was caught in his own little world where he pretended that people didn’t exist outside of his personal bubble. He’d just shrug it off and call himself a narcissist. 

 

Some things were for sure, though. Alana was an absolute party animal; Alana cried a lot after too much sangria; everyone was still shocked that Connor Murphy was even capable of laughing so much in one night; Jared was really bad at constructing theories that made even a lick of sense. Also, Zoe and Alana were going through some sort of serious sexual awakening together. 

 

And Jared was a fucking mean person, but that was okay. Somehow, his friends loved him anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> comments/kudos are always appreciated<3


End file.
